This fellow that I knew for a while liked to tell people he was going to be “boldly honest” with them. He said it was an alternative to “brutally honest,” because he would tell truth that might be hard to hear but with good intentions. Unfortunately, one of the “boldly honest” things he said was that he no longer wanted to be a business partner with another man. This was less than two months after I paid the two men a lot of money to buy a share of their small business consulting firm. The existing accounts collapsed pretty quickly and my money went down the drain—boldly.
I like the idea of unabashed honesty. It appeals to the side of me that detests false praise, artificial sweetness, and glad-handing salesmen. It’s the voice of the little boy yelling, “The Emperor has no clothes!” It’s the voice of sanity and reason.
The fellow who wanted to be “boldly honest” claimed a distinction between honest statements that cause a lot of hurt compared to honest statements that are meant for good. I’m not convinced he was concerned with the good of others, but people were drawn in by his distinction.
Why? What is “brutally honest?” If the truth is so brutal that revealing it will cause pain, how should we judge withholding that truth? The problem is, most people won’t say the “brutally honest” thing to a person’s face, but they’ll say it to lots of other people behind their back. Is that nice? Is that kind? Is that a concern for the welfare of the person being talked about? I don’t think so. I think it’s just a shallow desire to be seen as “nice” plus a fear of confrontation. The motivation there is self-interest. Self-interest is not kind, and it’s not even nice.
Scott Peck has written a lot about love in his books, most notably The Road Less Traveled. He doesn’t define love as emotion or affection. He says love is actively committing to the good of another person, most specifically that person’s psychological and spiritual growth.
This leads me to the very difficult realization that sometimes I have to tell someone a difficult truth because it is in that person’s best interest. It will contribute to that person’s growth. Withholding the comments will help the person stay stuck in some problem.
There’s an even more difficult realization. Sometimes the motivation to tell the other person the hard truth, the temptation to be “brutally honest,” is not to help or improve or do anything positive. It’s to vindicate myself. It’s to complain about a really difficult situation and try to end it. It’s to get revenge.
Too often my concern with justice, or forgiveness, or compassion, or humility, or mercy has little to do with the greater good of another person. It’s usually about me trying to demand something for myself.
Cut me some slack.
Show a little mercy.
Treat me with justice so I don’t have to deal with the unfairness of life.
Stop acting like you’re better than everyone else, because you’re pushing my own shame buttons.
I’m a mess!
I’ve already said I’m not nice. I don’t really want to be. I want to be kind. Unfortunately, I’m not very kind, either.
Kindness is my goal. It will be for the rest of my life, and it’s never going to get easy or boring.
Kindness is the balance of these many values in harmony. A key component of active love, kindness works for the good of others. As hospitality it offers shelter, and food, and clothing, and a warm fire. As consideration it is the small favor I did not even know I needed. As encouragement it is the gentle smile of comfort when I am in turmoil. As friendship kindness helps me see my own limitations and to forgive myself. As the bestowing of dignity it inspires me to look at a person’s heart instead of the mess he has made. It humbles me when I receive it and it fortifies me when I give it. It is the foundation of any lasting relationship.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Restoration
I was just retaking the VIA (Values in Action) Strengths Test and realized that there were a lot of questions about holding grudges, forgiving and forgetting, giving people second chances, and all sorts of things I didn’t want tested. “Forgiveness and Mercy” wound up ranked number 22 out of 24. Why, I ought to get those guys! The test is rigged and it’s unfair! I’ll show them….
Okay, in all fairness (to me), “Fairness, Equality, and Justice” ranked number 7. That probably gets in the way of the letting go and moving on thing.
I know it’s also a challenge for me that I grew up in a family with alcoholism on many branches. My poor uncle tried to drink himself to death and nearly succeeded, but the lung cancer from smoking foiled his plan.
Decades ago they were doing studies on Adult Children of Alcoholics and found out different people play different roles in alcoholic families. Some pretend everything’s perfect at home and try to hide the problems from other people. They also usually try to fit in and look “normal.” If they can get acceptance from people who are socially or financially successful they think they’ll feel good enough inside. It doesn’t really work because they usually go around fearing that someone will see the “truth” of their chaotic past and unsettled and insecure heart in the present. They can wind up pushing away family and childhood friends and anyone who can threaten the false image they’re trying to maintain.
That’s sure not me! But it is the way many people I know, in my family and from other chaotic backgrounds, live their lives. I’m on the other extreme. I’m like the voice of a prophet in the wilderness. When something’s not right and people are trying to smooth things over and pretend everything’s fine, I get anxious. In fact, even as a child my grandmother called me a sh** stirrer.
So you combine a drive for justice and fairness with a need to call things as I see them and it’s little wonder “forgive and forget” gets forgotten. Because I’ve seen what happens when people keep forgiving and trying to forget the behavior of really messed up people, I’m slow to forget offenses. I usually watch closely to see if this is a reasonably healthy person making a human error, or if I’m seeing signs of ongoing problems and need to be cautious. If someone is an addict, or a manipulator, or self-absorbed at the expense of others, the people around them often try to make excuses and “normalize” it. I’ve been super-sensitized and have become vigilant to keep from being hurt again and again by such people.
As a result, when someone treats me in a ways that hurts or offends, I have to wait a while because my Justice starts roaring. But when I’m able to explain how the person’s behavior affected me and set the boundary, I watch like a hawk. Healthy people apologize and instinctively give me words of kindness and respect to counter the hurt. Forgiveness is very easy, and forgetting is… well, I’m still not good at forgetting, but I can sure stick it way over in the back corner of my mind.
But when I tell a person how he has offended or hurt me and he is defensive, even argumentative, and turns things around so that he is the “victim” because I stood up for myself, the path is different. I set boundaries to respect and protect myself, and also to show a path for the relationship to be restored. With such a person, I find, the best I’ll get is a commitment to make changes, but no real and lasting changes happen. He (or she) tries to convince me, persuade me, and sometimes even shame me into “moving on.” That helps me see even more clearly that the boundaries have to stay firm.
I don’t help myself, and I don’t serve a selfish and manipulative person, by allowing the patterns of mistreatment to continue. I do serve both of us by setting boundaries and showing a way to restoration of a broken relationship. Allowing the pattern to continue and “forgiving and forgetting” is just enabling with the most troubled people. Staying firm on the boundaries gives that person a chance and a way to improve and grow and move away from disruptive and unhealthy behavior.
Anything less is just a shaky truce, and a relationship based on an unspoken agreement to pretend things are what they are not. It is shallow and unreal. Relationships between people who commit to the steps of restoration become richer and deeper. They are much stronger over time. I prefer to have no relationship over phony truces and pretense every time.
Restoration is healing after damage. It can be healing inside the soul of a person who has lived through hardship and mistreatment. It can be rebuilding a relationship after trust was shattered. It can be returning to work after foolish choices derailed a career. Restoration is the promise that what is wrong and seems hopeless right now can be made right. It is the evidence that inspires hope.
Okay, in all fairness (to me), “Fairness, Equality, and Justice” ranked number 7. That probably gets in the way of the letting go and moving on thing.
I know it’s also a challenge for me that I grew up in a family with alcoholism on many branches. My poor uncle tried to drink himself to death and nearly succeeded, but the lung cancer from smoking foiled his plan.
Decades ago they were doing studies on Adult Children of Alcoholics and found out different people play different roles in alcoholic families. Some pretend everything’s perfect at home and try to hide the problems from other people. They also usually try to fit in and look “normal.” If they can get acceptance from people who are socially or financially successful they think they’ll feel good enough inside. It doesn’t really work because they usually go around fearing that someone will see the “truth” of their chaotic past and unsettled and insecure heart in the present. They can wind up pushing away family and childhood friends and anyone who can threaten the false image they’re trying to maintain.
That’s sure not me! But it is the way many people I know, in my family and from other chaotic backgrounds, live their lives. I’m on the other extreme. I’m like the voice of a prophet in the wilderness. When something’s not right and people are trying to smooth things over and pretend everything’s fine, I get anxious. In fact, even as a child my grandmother called me a sh** stirrer.
So you combine a drive for justice and fairness with a need to call things as I see them and it’s little wonder “forgive and forget” gets forgotten. Because I’ve seen what happens when people keep forgiving and trying to forget the behavior of really messed up people, I’m slow to forget offenses. I usually watch closely to see if this is a reasonably healthy person making a human error, or if I’m seeing signs of ongoing problems and need to be cautious. If someone is an addict, or a manipulator, or self-absorbed at the expense of others, the people around them often try to make excuses and “normalize” it. I’ve been super-sensitized and have become vigilant to keep from being hurt again and again by such people.
As a result, when someone treats me in a ways that hurts or offends, I have to wait a while because my Justice starts roaring. But when I’m able to explain how the person’s behavior affected me and set the boundary, I watch like a hawk. Healthy people apologize and instinctively give me words of kindness and respect to counter the hurt. Forgiveness is very easy, and forgetting is… well, I’m still not good at forgetting, but I can sure stick it way over in the back corner of my mind.
But when I tell a person how he has offended or hurt me and he is defensive, even argumentative, and turns things around so that he is the “victim” because I stood up for myself, the path is different. I set boundaries to respect and protect myself, and also to show a path for the relationship to be restored. With such a person, I find, the best I’ll get is a commitment to make changes, but no real and lasting changes happen. He (or she) tries to convince me, persuade me, and sometimes even shame me into “moving on.” That helps me see even more clearly that the boundaries have to stay firm.
I don’t help myself, and I don’t serve a selfish and manipulative person, by allowing the patterns of mistreatment to continue. I do serve both of us by setting boundaries and showing a way to restoration of a broken relationship. Allowing the pattern to continue and “forgiving and forgetting” is just enabling with the most troubled people. Staying firm on the boundaries gives that person a chance and a way to improve and grow and move away from disruptive and unhealthy behavior.
Anything less is just a shaky truce, and a relationship based on an unspoken agreement to pretend things are what they are not. It is shallow and unreal. Relationships between people who commit to the steps of restoration become richer and deeper. They are much stronger over time. I prefer to have no relationship over phony truces and pretense every time.
Restoration is healing after damage. It can be healing inside the soul of a person who has lived through hardship and mistreatment. It can be rebuilding a relationship after trust was shattered. It can be returning to work after foolish choices derailed a career. Restoration is the promise that what is wrong and seems hopeless right now can be made right. It is the evidence that inspires hope.
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